I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Bring me that man meat
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
