Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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