we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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