I just cut my nipple shaving
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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