Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
