if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Floor bacon is actually really good
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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