I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
