Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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