You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
