seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
