Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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