You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
