Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Fuck appropriateness.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
