my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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