Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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