R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Soap is not a condiment
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
where are my eyebrows?
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