sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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