Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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