Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
