my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
splinters make it hard to masturbate
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
