You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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