Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
