i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
