It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
