Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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