I wannas sexs uuuuu
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
