She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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