you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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