My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
