I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
