I can text with my tongue
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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