I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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