Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
