My sheets look like a crime scene.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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