apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
