Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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