I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
