We won't sleep together?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
