Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
