the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
