There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
NoShamevember. You game?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
