You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
