is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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