What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
