i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
