The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
