Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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