I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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