I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I had to cum in my sink.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
