Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
