I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
